I am deeply conscious of my stubborn will – this hard core to my addiction – and my resistance to live in Grace, as it would wisen my mind, make tender my heart, and sensitize my spirit. Not for my addiction – I would yield myself to thee. I would give over into Thy custody the things that disturb me – frighten me – fill my days with uneasiness and my nights with the kind of gloom and foreboding that challenges my sleep – so I stay awake in misery. This I want to do no more but I can not stop – my mind battles – my addiction holds. Besides, I am never sure I can be trusted to close my eyes for fear I would only awake the same – addicted. To be rid of this fear – to expose myself in ways that would destroy this sick balance is my prayer of prayers. This small seed of your Grace is all that keeps me from leaping in to the void of death.
I wait now for Thy Presence with the silent hope that something may transpire within me and over come this hold of addiction. – would it but tip me in ways to make for peace – a full nights sleep. While I wait I search my mind for that memory of those whose lives are a part of me in ways that are direct and sure. I would include them in this waiting moment, but there again, our Father, I am not sure that is what I really want to do. I wait, that my spirit may be clarified and my willingness may be at the disposal of that seed of Grace you placed in my heart.
With all arrogances put side, with all weaknesses laid bare, with all my deep-lying hungers exposed, I wait. I wait for the baptism of Thy Spirit. My continuing to wait gives me inspiration that Grace has not abandon me. My waiting shows me again that Thy seed grows stronger in my heart. I wait – for if this be Thy will, it is enough, O God.
I wait as you teach me resilience.