Each morning I awake trapped in struggle between disappointment and joy. Each day I am tempted to panic by disordered thinking, calmness is the first step towards a solution for moving with purpose passed the torment of the struggle. This daily bout is all the more haunting especially to those of us with happiness addictions. Providence hides from us because our will would have it no other way. All be it so beautiful if the last bout would not be forgotten in sleep. It is like that struggle though won yesterday was won by someone else for that joy has been lost to the new day. So hidden it is hard to understand how delicate are the influences emanating from our own mind. The world has not changed. The facts of my life have not changed. Only the struggle is again making the question of my life’s situation anew in torment. What is so difficult? Ask the spirit that would bare much – success, pleasure, status, and my addictions with each.
What is most difficult is I dare to take all things as my will and exult in my strength and deny myself the calmness of Thy Grace. There are great changes that come about in the darkest hours where there is, despite my claims, no memory of hope and the encircling gloom is terrifying to the heart. It is this difficulty where the tussle takes me. Calmness in the midst of chaos, serenity in the midst of feverish activity is on one side. On the other is my ego that takes pride in climbing high mountains to tempt the tempter, feeding on the acorns and grass of knowledge and for the sake of glory suffering a hunger in my soul with a glint of haughtiness. There must be a secret that all commanders know, the secret revealed in crisis, that the soul that is calm with controlled emotion is performing an act of faith – the battle continues.
To encounter these forces I must remember my way back into the very center of my being, to that eternal fountain of replenishment. For it is only there that my happiness addiction can be comforted. Otherwise I block, frustrate, and delay, giving over to a frantic spirit and a mind glutted with panic – my will can not feed my heart. My heart yearns for hope. Some sign that work does have its rewards. This is also only a gloss contradicting Grace. Grace is the reward of not forgetting the reward you can not earn. Grace is the battle that need not be fought for because it has been secured by the Innocence of the One. The bounding that is again straining in my heart is only the physical conformation that I have failed – my will, ego, intellect have all failed and my body knows it all to well.
It is a hard lesson; perhaps at sixty one it should have gotten easier – NO.
Consider: you have a vision, however vague, of your own sense of godhood. You are bewildered, tired, and impatient – demanding of yourself to be more and go faster – yet human. You are limited to only night quakes or glimpses far between as you conceive of yourself. The godhood you conceive is it demon or worse. Does it inspire life by pushing all that would make you human to the side or does it slice at your heart with paper and pins so that recovery is sure but the pain is remembered like echoes? What is a day in the life of this god you would be? In this ongoing struggle, you as god need yet a score keeper to balance the time lost without calmness – without pain. In the countless ups and downs of scoreless weeks, your godhood is tested by time – time can be stopped – a permanent sleep. Or is it that your godhood is rehearsing some magic spiral in life’s month, yea, even a year? The struggle persists. In the deep, inner quietness of your spirit the persistence is that of Christ, time does stands still—before and after is lost in NOW; there is no movement, no action, even the outer edges of awareness blend into the surrounding calm. Another day has yet been won.
It is this momentary calmness that now you must carry with you into the maelstrom of your hectic days and hunger. Let it be remembered that Grace is your nourishing companion. It is your innocence and even more importantly your forgetting, a new beginning. Time for life!